When I first found out I was pregnant, I swore off dating for the next 4 years. I figured nobody would be interested in a pregnant Mormon girl that lived with their mom (no offense mom). So, some Tindering wouldn't hurt, right? Why not check out some hotties (and unfortunately some not-so-hotties) while I grow a cute baby? I wouldn't meet with any of them. Maybe have some friendly conversation when I'm bored. I just want people to talk to! I'm not looking to date anybody in my current state let alone get a boyfriend. Little did I know that Tinder guys in my age range are psycho.
For those of you who have never had Tinder or are unaware of how it's formatted, I will explain. There are tabs for your personal profile, home, messages, and settings. Your profile is where you can write a short bio about yourself, include some pictures, and post your age. Most people also include their height, but you never know if they're adding a few inches. I personally don't have my height included, which might be bad since I'm on the taller side... but I'm only browsing so who cares! Home is where other people's profiles pop up. It shows their first picture (which I'll discuss the importance of later), their age, an X and a heart. At this point, depending on the first picture, you can use the X or heart OR you can swipe the picture to the right (yes) or to the left (no). If you swipe right and it shows that you're a match, that means that they swiped right for you as well. At this point we come to the messaging. I personally NEVER message first, because even though I'm on a modern app I have the ancient belief that the guy should make the first move. Tinder gives you weird prompts to message people. Things like, "Are your hands tied or something?", "You might be far removed 2nd cousins, ask.", "If 46% of your body heat comes from your ears, where does the rest come from?", and my personal favorite, "Your kids would look beautiful." WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF?! Anyway, messaging is where Tinder gets really interesting. Guys will either start with some corny pick-up line, a simple "Hey", or go creep mode instantly. If they take the pick-up line route, I really enjoy sabotaging it and waiting for their bewildered reactions. If it's a simple "Hey", I always respond and either end up with a boring conversation or a great one! But the creeps... OH the creeps. They are everywhere, and I swear I attract them. I once had a conversation that went like this:
Seriously? Gross. This is also a perfect example of a typical reaction I get from guys when I tell them I'm pregnant. I decided a while ago that I would be open about being pregnant, because it can be a deal breaker for people. The reactions I get from guys include a few steps, not always necessarily in the same order:
1. Congratulations! 2. How far along are you? 3. Is the father in the picture? 4. Are you keeping it? 5. So now you can just have sex and not worry about getting pregnant!
Honestly. EVERY. SINGLE. GUY. I'm not sure why I haven't given up yet! I guess I'm just waiting for a guy to say, "Congratulations! What food are you craving?" That's what I'm really after (:<
On Tinder, you hope to be able to weed out the weirdos by looking at their pictures and bio. I have a list of things that I swipe left on (no's). This is where choosing your pictures is very important. I know every girl has a mental list of some sort when it comes to man fishing, but Tinder man fishing is a different story. This is the list of things I swipe left for:
- If they have a mullet or they're balding
- If a picture includes a dead animal
- If there's only one picture of the guy
- If their bio says anything along the lines of, "I just want to hook up"
- If they're holding alcohol in any of their pictures
- If they're posing with hooker types
- If their mouth takes up half their face
- If their bio has any typos, spelling errors, or grammar issues
- If their bio says "LOL"
- If they have a picture of them flexing at the gym or declare themselves a "gym rat"
- If none of their pictures are just of them. How are you supposed to know who you're talking to?!
- Mexicans, Asians, and black guys (woops oh well judge me)
- If they have gross piercings
- If they live 30 miles away
- If they declare themselves wealthy
- If they're wearing sunglasses in their first picture. Talk about shady. *duh-nuhh-tsssssssssssss*
- If their bio only includes their snapchat username and/or Instagram username
- If they have bad eyebrows
- If they don't smile with their teeth. I become suspicious.
- If they obviously participate in rodeos
- If they only pop up because they're visiting the area. Pointless.
- If they just give off a douchebag vibe with their clothing style
- If the first picture is of their abs. Just get over yourself.
Now of course I have things I automatically swipe right for, but the list is much shorter:
- Classy style
- Plays an instrument
- In school
- Has a picture with a kitten or puppy
- Bio declares that they love their nieces and nephews
- They can cook
- Good hair
And yet I STILL get the crazies. It's definitely entertaining, but I'm tired of being disappointed in these guys. Their mothers did not raise them to use girls, and they certainly didn't raise them to "ravage you" with their "bear claws". *shudder*
Don't worry, I do have ONE good Tinder story. One of my matches was really kind and I could tell that he wanted to actually talk to me. I was BEYOND hesitant to talk to him, because then he'd want to meet and hang out and then eventually he'd know I was pregnant. And then what? I didn't know this guy or what his reaction would be like. Something told me to talk to him anyway. He was the sweetest guy and kept asking to meet me. Frozen yogurt, a movie, anything. But I was way too afraid to meet a stranger! Especially in my pregnant state. I'm not exactly flat. Eventually I told him that I thought he was really kind and that he should know I was pregnant. He answered with congratulations and "I actually have a son." What. Wasn't expecting that! So we had something new to talk about! I felt much more comfortable. He had dealt with crazy pregnancy before. He knew what was happening to me and wasn't judging me either. Hallelujah. Eventually, I agreed to meet him and we had a great conversation. We've hung out several times since, and now I consider him my best guy friend. He's seriously an incredible guy and I'm so lucky to have met him! Thank you, Tinder.
So Tinder is awesome .05% of the time. The rest of the time, you just hope and pray that the creeps can't find your house!